If Only

If Only.  If only the big snowstorm had come a day later…or a day earlier, I would have made it to my 40 week appointment.  If only, 2 days later, the busy nurse had listened with the doppler for 20 seconds longer, she may have known.  If only I had listened to my instinct, I would have gone straight to the hospital and not home to labor and things would have been different.  If Only all of this would have happened I would be celebrating my daughter’s 13^th birthday today.  But these things didn’t happen, and I am not.  Life is full of split second decisions, instincts not followed, signs not read, different paths to take, and too many ‘if only’s.’  It is only after you grieve, after the tears come less often, after time passes, you realize it is all in the way you look at it.  True, if the big snowstorm had come a day later I wouldn’t have been faced with the biggest challenge of my life.  I also wouldn’t have been able to appreciate joy so fully because I had endured so much pain.  I wouldn’t have channelled my pain to become a social worker and help guide others through their pain.  If the big snowstorm had come a day later I wouldn’t have met cherished friends like Julie, Marilyn, Jon and Sara who helped shape my life at that time, and some of whom have remained constant friends since that time.  I would not have spent 2 years living on my own, finding my strength, learning to heal, figuring out who I could become.  If the big snowstorm had come a day later I wouldn’t have met Hy and shared the last 10 years with him.  I wouldn’t have lived in Boston for seven years and have the dear friends and the sweet experiences that city brought to me.  In fact, I would not be living in England right now either, writing these words.  I wouldn’t have Aidan.  I wouldn’t have India.  And I wouldn’t have Cameron filling up my life right now.  SO, while there were many times that I cried “If Only…!” I know that Right Now, Today, At This Moment my heart still stings, but I wouldn’t change this life for anything.